Thank you for this post. Been thinking about this a lot lately. I believe for me, it comes down to reverence for life. All of it. Plants, animals, people etc. And when we can stay in that realm of reverence for all of life we can have reverence for the multitude of worldviews and inner experiences that don’t match our own, challenge our own, even those that may stir negative emotions that as HSPs we are very aware of! My anchoring starts there.
sorry that left way before i was ready. as it is something better to chew on than this morning's heckles interfering with my excitement for the day- it's a quiet one and sometimes- this gives me the space to honestly comb through it all and cover the heckles and the retorts and i can land on my feet. anchored. Thank you!
Like many HSPs, I always knew I was "sensitive," but didn't know it was a "thing" until I read Elaine Aron's book, The Highly Sensitive Person. As a psychotherapist for the last 50-plus years, my high sensitivity is an asset in helping others, but in my personal life the high sensitivity can be challenging, as you note, as I tune into the pain and suffering of many in the world. And these days there is so much confusing, killing, stress, and disruption, it is difficult to keep protective boundaries.
I also think there are unique challenges for Highly Sensitive Males and appreciated being part of the film Sensitive Men Rising.
Well, this is a bit embarrassing for me to write but I got traumatised few years ago when I finally started to go out with the guy that I liked for a while and he told me that he also liked me for a while but in a meantime he fell in love with another woman because she was more outgoing and impressive than me. Other people wouldn’t take that to a heart as much as I did but it took me a while to recover and love myself as I am.
Amen brother! Well said! I call it "Water off a duck's back", that ability to not be thrown off by others perspective or emotions. I've been aspiring to attain that puzzle piece for decades. Eckhart Tolle has a beautiful description of how ducks fight for a moment, literally shake it off and swim away as if nothing happened. The incident has vanished from existence completely for them. -Yes please. Is it an anchoring skill or is it a skill of being so permeable that the incident / feeling just passes right through and nothing sticks? Maybe both.
I appreciate this post very much. Learning about HSP has been so helpful for me, and one that I still keep to myself because from a societal perspective the message has always been "you are too..." As you said, "if you know you know." Just this week I allowed myself to be crushed by client evals that reflected a tiny percentage of those I have worked with this past year. I am in my 60's and still struggle to get past this. Thank you so much for your article.
"...it’s also tough being a sensitive person in a highly insensitive world." Really appreciate you articulating all of this so well. Completely understand the way creativity can be locked up inside you when you feel an obligation to someone or something outside of yourself. I am so glad you were able to move beyond that in this post and hope this is the rejuvenation you need!
Wow, I can definitely relate to all of this. This resonates so much: “because I can just go into their head and see the world from their perspective. But it sometimes makes me lose my own perspective, and thus, my own internal sense of self-belief.”
Please continue this research and inquiry it is of great value to my journey and I know a lot of others as well. Thank you for your work, willingness and effort on your journey! I’m just coming to realize that there is a lingering sense in me all the time of self-doubt or less-than chatter between the ears and hindsight at 56 yrs age with various accomplishments and worthy efforts but today in multiple major life transitions that internal I don’t value myself highly this inner sense often feels like they don’t belong which is tied to my emotionally, physically, verbally abusive father who terrorized my brothers, mom and me weekly until I left at 18, that said another interesting vein is how early childhood trauma to an HSP and their self-worth I would be willing to to be Guinea pig too. Thanks again for your presence in the world🙏❤️
Agree. My spouse grew up in a similar home environment and learned to always be on high alert for cues to avoid the always present wrath. As an adult he remains on high alert to everything around him, thus the HSP personality. Always trying to read the thoughts of those around him. He jokes that I wouldn’t survive an hour in his brain. I’d love for Scott to help us spouses learn how to support our HSP spouse. So happy that you are back writing again Scott. We miss your insights.
High alert became a means of self protection, a survival tactic we learned as kids…and it worked. We were self aware enough as a young person to know it wasn’t normal, it wasn’t us.
Oddly these life skills are very useful in the workplace so the positive reinforcement continues.
Learning how reduce stress and tone down the higher levels of alertness is essential.
100% to everything in this post. As someone who is new to the HSP language (but not new to being one), I am just scratching the surface of all of its tentacles (self-esteem, self-belief, achievement, identity, etc.). Even after decades of high-achievement, I find myself continually asking “Am I good? Am I good? Am I still good?” I am very interested in the connection between HSPs and being a people-pleaser, which, in my experience, leads to not having a strong sense of identity/internal barometer for success. Lately for me, the best anchor or antidote has been self-reflection. Allowing myself to remember all the times I felt proud or lived up to my core values.
I totally agree couldn’t said it better, I’m just scratching as well at 56 looking my life story in my head is changing as I too have been doing a lot of reflecting but from a sense of watching a movie of my life and remember what I was thinking or intending to make happen and it has been refreshing and enlightening to see my choices and there downriver effects and most were my desperate attempt to please! My name is Jason I’m a recovering People Pleaser.
At the moment, I keep on losing my own perspective, or actually mine and theirs get muddled up. And then I keep on trying. Because now none of it makes sense. What they seem to be getting, reading from me. What I'm trying to bring across. It keeps diverging and not converging so I start trying harder. Stepping back when that conflation is happening in my mind becomes, feels, impossible.
I'm living it right now. And this article just made me realize that maybe, when the other person doesn't understand me, and I start seeing and feeling their confusion, doubt, irritation for their perspective ... I wonder, is that where it then goes very wrong? Because now I'm mirroring back their confusion, doubt, annoyance to them. And the thing I was excited about, had ideas about, suddenly feels rediculous to me as well.
Anchoring is a great way to capture it, because that is what I feel now is the opposite of anchored. I feel unmoored. Adrift. Thinking, I don't know what the hell I was thinking and even trying...
As a moderately HSP male married to an extremely HSP woman, I can relate to your struggle. It’s been difficult enough for me to deal with life as a male HSP working in the corporate world, but my wife growing up in a verbally abusive home has left her with far more scars. Dr. Elaine Aron’s work has been enlightening and extremely helpful. E. Williams commented about learning “tools to draw boundaries”. Such tools have been extremely critical to our growth.
I am in the process of reading your book “Transcend”. Since retiring 2 years ago, I want to explore what I can become. I always felt constrained by the demands of my job. I wanted to do greater things than was asked of me. I sometimes felt that the company demanded mediocrity, when I wanted to achieve greatness. Can I now become a better person? Can I keep growing and achieving more in life? I have to believe that I can, and I’ll finish your book hoping that it will enhance my journey.
A friend once told me that his father advised him “don’t allow your education to limit you”. The idea is that once you invest your time to study and learn about something, people often think that is all that they can do. It defines who they are. In your journey, you have done some significant work, and it has positively impacted many people. Your accomplishments could possibly make you think that is what defines you. But perhaps your journey will take you in new directions to accomplish even greater things in entirely different ways.
Hi I’m very impressed that you think about and express such issues. Your article makes me question and sometimes want to yes but … I hope this doesn’t trigger your HSP too much. My point is that I’m not sure whether honoring another person‘s point of view is always a positive thing and that some view points to me don’t contribute to our beautiful humanity. The reason is that these viewpoints can encourage and support what I consider to be very destructive actions like voting in certain politicians or accepting practices that contribute to global warming, or war etc. Thanks again for your honesty. JB
I come from a long line of HSP, so that makes it if not easier, then perhaps less lonely. I am and raised a HSP and we talk about it a lot. Strategies, of course, but also simple acceptance of how your body works. There is a lot of taking a breath, acknowledging that this is how your body and mind work, giving yourself space to experience discomfort, and then setting forth again with continued determination to reach your goals.
Thank you for shedding a light on this - it seems we as HSPs are just more aware of and incredibly sensitive to the opinions of others.
I’m curious when you say you’ve been working on this for decades, can you share more about what that looked like for you? What kind of “work” would you recommend for others to consider?
Thank you for this post. Been thinking about this a lot lately. I believe for me, it comes down to reverence for life. All of it. Plants, animals, people etc. And when we can stay in that realm of reverence for all of life we can have reverence for the multitude of worldviews and inner experiences that don’t match our own, challenge our own, even those that may stir negative emotions that as HSPs we are very aware of! My anchoring starts there.
phew! something way better to chew n than my inner chatter this morning
sorry that left way before i was ready. as it is something better to chew on than this morning's heckles interfering with my excitement for the day- it's a quiet one and sometimes- this gives me the space to honestly comb through it all and cover the heckles and the retorts and i can land on my feet. anchored. Thank you!
🙌
Like many HSPs, I always knew I was "sensitive," but didn't know it was a "thing" until I read Elaine Aron's book, The Highly Sensitive Person. As a psychotherapist for the last 50-plus years, my high sensitivity is an asset in helping others, but in my personal life the high sensitivity can be challenging, as you note, as I tune into the pain and suffering of many in the world. And these days there is so much confusing, killing, stress, and disruption, it is difficult to keep protective boundaries.
I also think there are unique challenges for Highly Sensitive Males and appreciated being part of the film Sensitive Men Rising.
I didn’t realize there was a film about HS Males. Thanks for mentioning it. I wonder if there is a good book about males?
Well, this is a bit embarrassing for me to write but I got traumatised few years ago when I finally started to go out with the guy that I liked for a while and he told me that he also liked me for a while but in a meantime he fell in love with another woman because she was more outgoing and impressive than me. Other people wouldn’t take that to a heart as much as I did but it took me a while to recover and love myself as I am.
Amen brother! Well said! I call it "Water off a duck's back", that ability to not be thrown off by others perspective or emotions. I've been aspiring to attain that puzzle piece for decades. Eckhart Tolle has a beautiful description of how ducks fight for a moment, literally shake it off and swim away as if nothing happened. The incident has vanished from existence completely for them. -Yes please. Is it an anchoring skill or is it a skill of being so permeable that the incident / feeling just passes right through and nothing sticks? Maybe both.
I appreciate this post very much. Learning about HSP has been so helpful for me, and one that I still keep to myself because from a societal perspective the message has always been "you are too..." As you said, "if you know you know." Just this week I allowed myself to be crushed by client evals that reflected a tiny percentage of those I have worked with this past year. I am in my 60's and still struggle to get past this. Thank you so much for your article.
"...it’s also tough being a sensitive person in a highly insensitive world." Really appreciate you articulating all of this so well. Completely understand the way creativity can be locked up inside you when you feel an obligation to someone or something outside of yourself. I am so glad you were able to move beyond that in this post and hope this is the rejuvenation you need!
Wow, I can definitely relate to all of this. This resonates so much: “because I can just go into their head and see the world from their perspective. But it sometimes makes me lose my own perspective, and thus, my own internal sense of self-belief.”
Yes! An additional and very helpful perspective I've not considered.
Please continue this research and inquiry it is of great value to my journey and I know a lot of others as well. Thank you for your work, willingness and effort on your journey! I’m just coming to realize that there is a lingering sense in me all the time of self-doubt or less-than chatter between the ears and hindsight at 56 yrs age with various accomplishments and worthy efforts but today in multiple major life transitions that internal I don’t value myself highly this inner sense often feels like they don’t belong which is tied to my emotionally, physically, verbally abusive father who terrorized my brothers, mom and me weekly until I left at 18, that said another interesting vein is how early childhood trauma to an HSP and their self-worth I would be willing to to be Guinea pig too. Thanks again for your presence in the world🙏❤️
Agree. My spouse grew up in a similar home environment and learned to always be on high alert for cues to avoid the always present wrath. As an adult he remains on high alert to everything around him, thus the HSP personality. Always trying to read the thoughts of those around him. He jokes that I wouldn’t survive an hour in his brain. I’d love for Scott to help us spouses learn how to support our HSP spouse. So happy that you are back writing again Scott. We miss your insights.
High alert became a means of self protection, a survival tactic we learned as kids…and it worked. We were self aware enough as a young person to know it wasn’t normal, it wasn’t us.
Oddly these life skills are very useful in the workplace so the positive reinforcement continues.
Learning how reduce stress and tone down the higher levels of alertness is essential.
100% to everything in this post. As someone who is new to the HSP language (but not new to being one), I am just scratching the surface of all of its tentacles (self-esteem, self-belief, achievement, identity, etc.). Even after decades of high-achievement, I find myself continually asking “Am I good? Am I good? Am I still good?” I am very interested in the connection between HSPs and being a people-pleaser, which, in my experience, leads to not having a strong sense of identity/internal barometer for success. Lately for me, the best anchor or antidote has been self-reflection. Allowing myself to remember all the times I felt proud or lived up to my core values.
I totally agree couldn’t said it better, I’m just scratching as well at 56 looking my life story in my head is changing as I too have been doing a lot of reflecting but from a sense of watching a movie of my life and remember what I was thinking or intending to make happen and it has been refreshing and enlightening to see my choices and there downriver effects and most were my desperate attempt to please! My name is Jason I’m a recovering People Pleaser.
At the moment, I keep on losing my own perspective, or actually mine and theirs get muddled up. And then I keep on trying. Because now none of it makes sense. What they seem to be getting, reading from me. What I'm trying to bring across. It keeps diverging and not converging so I start trying harder. Stepping back when that conflation is happening in my mind becomes, feels, impossible.
I'm living it right now. And this article just made me realize that maybe, when the other person doesn't understand me, and I start seeing and feeling their confusion, doubt, irritation for their perspective ... I wonder, is that where it then goes very wrong? Because now I'm mirroring back their confusion, doubt, annoyance to them. And the thing I was excited about, had ideas about, suddenly feels rediculous to me as well.
Anchoring is a great way to capture it, because that is what I feel now is the opposite of anchored. I feel unmoored. Adrift. Thinking, I don't know what the hell I was thinking and even trying...
As a moderately HSP male married to an extremely HSP woman, I can relate to your struggle. It’s been difficult enough for me to deal with life as a male HSP working in the corporate world, but my wife growing up in a verbally abusive home has left her with far more scars. Dr. Elaine Aron’s work has been enlightening and extremely helpful. E. Williams commented about learning “tools to draw boundaries”. Such tools have been extremely critical to our growth.
I am in the process of reading your book “Transcend”. Since retiring 2 years ago, I want to explore what I can become. I always felt constrained by the demands of my job. I wanted to do greater things than was asked of me. I sometimes felt that the company demanded mediocrity, when I wanted to achieve greatness. Can I now become a better person? Can I keep growing and achieving more in life? I have to believe that I can, and I’ll finish your book hoping that it will enhance my journey.
A friend once told me that his father advised him “don’t allow your education to limit you”. The idea is that once you invest your time to study and learn about something, people often think that is all that they can do. It defines who they are. In your journey, you have done some significant work, and it has positively impacted many people. Your accomplishments could possibly make you think that is what defines you. But perhaps your journey will take you in new directions to accomplish even greater things in entirely different ways.
I sincerely wish you the best!
Hi I’m very impressed that you think about and express such issues. Your article makes me question and sometimes want to yes but … I hope this doesn’t trigger your HSP too much. My point is that I’m not sure whether honoring another person‘s point of view is always a positive thing and that some view points to me don’t contribute to our beautiful humanity. The reason is that these viewpoints can encourage and support what I consider to be very destructive actions like voting in certain politicians or accepting practices that contribute to global warming, or war etc. Thanks again for your honesty. JB
I come from a long line of HSP, so that makes it if not easier, then perhaps less lonely. I am and raised a HSP and we talk about it a lot. Strategies, of course, but also simple acceptance of how your body works. There is a lot of taking a breath, acknowledging that this is how your body and mind work, giving yourself space to experience discomfort, and then setting forth again with continued determination to reach your goals.
Thank you for shedding a light on this - it seems we as HSPs are just more aware of and incredibly sensitive to the opinions of others.
I’m curious when you say you’ve been working on this for decades, can you share more about what that looked like for you? What kind of “work” would you recommend for others to consider?
This resonated with me 1000%! Please keep writing about HSPs🙏🩷