Oh boy. Thanks for putting this in perspective. I've struggled with these questions my whole life. I wrote a line in a prayer that went: "Please help me be kind to those in need, tho remind me I need to be kind to myself too."
I think the auditor voice in our heads is often an echo of voices from our past, namely our parents, who employed shame and guilt in order tell us what do to or not do. At least in my case, as someone who is 36, I still struggle with taking time off, spending money on myself, enjoying things for myself. I'm always met with massive guilt and many voices: "you should be working", "it's stupid", "it's a waste of time", etc. But all these voices are just echoes of family members' voices from many years prior that have followed me into adulthood. Its definitely difficult to silence them.
At 62 and raised with a certain kind of guilt that is well known (hint, its related to certain Christian faith 😉), I still struggle with these very same questions that are posited here. I felt a weight of relief in Scott's walk thru of his own reflections and in the reframing of the answers. "Well done!' I say to you for sharing your deep knowledge, and your feelings, with us. I think you earned hours of walks, netflix, and lots of ice cream from this! Seriously, though, this clearly points to seeking balance even though there is no "scale" to judge when you find it. I do feel that I know it when it is there and when it is not. For me, that inner sense of "finding balance" was improved as a direct result of reading Scott's article and the comments posted to it. Thanks all!
Thank you so much, Scott, for sharing all of these thoughts! I have Bipolar 2, anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, and a lifetime background of "obligations" that I took as Scriptural truth (when really, they were the legalistic expectations of other humans who had their own agendas). It's very validating and freeing to hear your thoughts, emotions, and struggles (not just in this article, but in several of your posts that I have read over the past weeks, since I discovered your Substack). You are definitely a "light" in this world! Keep it up! You are making a positive difference! 🔥
Maybe if you stop thinking in terms of individualism, this resolves itself a bit further. I think Sam Harris is wrong that “there is no self”; I think there clearly is a border that matters. But it’s complicated by the fact that we are communal organisms nested in other communities too. You don’t really belong to “the world”, so “the world” shouldn’t expect so much from you. Yes, you are a super talented individual who has chosen to share your gifts with the world, but that doesn’t mean the world can demand more and more from you. Keep your obligations to those you want in your life. That’s more than enough.
It might sound simple, but I’ve always thought of it like merging on to a busy freeway. The very best possibility is IF the merging traffic and the flow on the freeway can come together like a zipper. My turn, your turn, my turn, your turn. It gets all fouled up when, as happens all too often, one side or the other feels their place holds more importance than the others…. And it is even bad if someone in a lane is too deferential, refusing to zip, and holding off! “no, you first!”. Anyway, I often think in simple terms. To be a sentient being holds immeasurable worth, both within the individual “I”, and with the “I” we encounter. We ought to treat ourselves well, and treat others well too. Take turns. Zip!
I think it's very possible, even likely, that your biggest contribution to the world on balance (as opposed to individuals, and I get that you have a lot of power to help in material ways) is going to come precisely out of those liminal moments of being with yourself. What seems to be a selfish pursuit may in actuality be germinating something important, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. Permission is a huge topic in itself--I've been thinking about it for years since reading James Hollis' "Living an Examined Life" particularly Chapter 14: Honor, Finally, What You Left Behind and Seize Permission to Be Who You Are." :)
We are in need of new vocabulary. What you describe is not “selfishness””. It is definitely self-oriented and self-generated but where is the term that doesn’t impose guilt and negativity?
Former Delta Force commander Pete Blaber wrote an excellent memoir entitled, "The Mission, the Men, and Me" -- and the title tells you everything. Solve for good outcomes that serve all constituencies, including yourself
Oh boy. Thanks for putting this in perspective. I've struggled with these questions my whole life. I wrote a line in a prayer that went: "Please help me be kind to those in need, tho remind me I need to be kind to myself too."
I love your deep honesty and the determination with which you follow a thought to its truth.
Thanks!
I think the auditor voice in our heads is often an echo of voices from our past, namely our parents, who employed shame and guilt in order tell us what do to or not do. At least in my case, as someone who is 36, I still struggle with taking time off, spending money on myself, enjoying things for myself. I'm always met with massive guilt and many voices: "you should be working", "it's stupid", "it's a waste of time", etc. But all these voices are just echoes of family members' voices from many years prior that have followed me into adulthood. Its definitely difficult to silence them.
Great self-insight, Sam!
Such a humble and meaningful exploration, Scott... Thank you for the permission!
❤️
At 62 and raised with a certain kind of guilt that is well known (hint, its related to certain Christian faith 😉), I still struggle with these very same questions that are posited here. I felt a weight of relief in Scott's walk thru of his own reflections and in the reframing of the answers. "Well done!' I say to you for sharing your deep knowledge, and your feelings, with us. I think you earned hours of walks, netflix, and lots of ice cream from this! Seriously, though, this clearly points to seeking balance even though there is no "scale" to judge when you find it. I do feel that I know it when it is there and when it is not. For me, that inner sense of "finding balance" was improved as a direct result of reading Scott's article and the comments posted to it. Thanks all!
Thank you for this.
Brilliant. Very helpful indeed.
Thank you from my soul.
Thank you so much, Scott, for sharing all of these thoughts! I have Bipolar 2, anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, and a lifetime background of "obligations" that I took as Scriptural truth (when really, they were the legalistic expectations of other humans who had their own agendas). It's very validating and freeing to hear your thoughts, emotions, and struggles (not just in this article, but in several of your posts that I have read over the past weeks, since I discovered your Substack). You are definitely a "light" in this world! Keep it up! You are making a positive difference! 🔥
Well, Dr. Scott, I wasn't waiting... but -- great, important article. Thanks! ~~sef
Maybe if you stop thinking in terms of individualism, this resolves itself a bit further. I think Sam Harris is wrong that “there is no self”; I think there clearly is a border that matters. But it’s complicated by the fact that we are communal organisms nested in other communities too. You don’t really belong to “the world”, so “the world” shouldn’t expect so much from you. Yes, you are a super talented individual who has chosen to share your gifts with the world, but that doesn’t mean the world can demand more and more from you. Keep your obligations to those you want in your life. That’s more than enough.
🙏
It might sound simple, but I’ve always thought of it like merging on to a busy freeway. The very best possibility is IF the merging traffic and the flow on the freeway can come together like a zipper. My turn, your turn, my turn, your turn. It gets all fouled up when, as happens all too often, one side or the other feels their place holds more importance than the others…. And it is even bad if someone in a lane is too deferential, refusing to zip, and holding off! “no, you first!”. Anyway, I often think in simple terms. To be a sentient being holds immeasurable worth, both within the individual “I”, and with the “I” we encounter. We ought to treat ourselves well, and treat others well too. Take turns. Zip!
I think it's very possible, even likely, that your biggest contribution to the world on balance (as opposed to individuals, and I get that you have a lot of power to help in material ways) is going to come precisely out of those liminal moments of being with yourself. What seems to be a selfish pursuit may in actuality be germinating something important, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. Permission is a huge topic in itself--I've been thinking about it for years since reading James Hollis' "Living an Examined Life" particularly Chapter 14: Honor, Finally, What You Left Behind and Seize Permission to Be Who You Are." :)
Splendid!
We are in need of new vocabulary. What you describe is not “selfishness””. It is definitely self-oriented and self-generated but where is the term that doesn’t impose guilt and negativity?
I called it healthy selfishness, but perhaps the term you are searching for is simply "self-care". :)
That’s a nice alternative. Still not what I still want to search for. It’s a sense of vitality and regeneration
Former Delta Force commander Pete Blaber wrote an excellent memoir entitled, "The Mission, the Men, and Me" -- and the title tells you everything. Solve for good outcomes that serve all constituencies, including yourself