Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Dr. Sunita Merriman's avatar

Helping others and doing morally good acts is a form of self care because it makes us feel good inside. When self care is tied to this understanding, it may be more of a motivation for us to look outwards to feel good about ourselves.

The ‘industry’ that currently defines self care is mostly focussed on us putting ourselves first. That leads to an investment in self. (And commercial gain for the ‘self care’ consumer machine). While it is necessary to learn to refuel and regroup as an individual (especially for those who have suffered from trauma, neglect, and abuse) through self care, I would argue that any self care program that neglects to list caring/doing for others is incomplete.

Great post, Scott! Much to think about here.

Expand full comment
Zara Kaye's avatar

The fundamental flaw in the self-care industry’s philosophy of self-care is that a self-care stratagem that deprioritises the well-being of others and reifies our own, actually makes us fragile.

Knowing others are suffering impinges on our capacity to be happy, whether we notice it (ie-we have a warm heart and it upsets us) or not (ie- our heart has become cold/desensitised - a numb heart is not a happy one).

The advantage of a self-care regime that priorities self-and-other as equally worthy of care brings stability, connection, honesty and strength. Being generous brings joy. (We all know that from Christmas etc). Managing our speech and actions so that they cause less harm brings us peace and satisfaction. Being less judgemental of others loosens the grip of our own harsh self-critic.

When we subscribe to service of self-over-others, we are inadvertently subscribing to a fabrication. A narrative that isn’t grounded in who we actually are- how much we need and are needed by other humans.

In this way, such an ideology is fragile. As with every tower we build, there is a long way to fall.

When we subscribe to a service of others-and-self, we are grounded. We acknowledge our shared experiences- of suffering and joy and everything in between. And we reach out to help others. That brings a deep confidence and sense of connection.

When we are on the ground, there is nowhere to fall.

Thankyou, Scott, for raising this really important point. When you share the research that most people aren’t so interested in becoming more ethical, I think it could be simply because they haven’t joined the dots.

Becoming more ethical (ie- actively caring for others and the environment we inhabit) IS self-care. A significantly more nuanced, significantly more effective strategy for sustainable self-care.

Thanks again for all you do. I hope all the good that you are offering to others brings you joy. ☺️

Expand full comment
19 more comments...

No posts