Helping others and doing morally good acts is a form of self care because it makes us feel good inside. When self care is tied to this understanding, it may be more of a motivation for us to look outwards to feel good about ourselves.
The ‘industry’ that currently defines self care is mostly focussed on us putting ourselves first. That leads to an investment in self. (And commercial gain for the ‘self care’ consumer machine). While it is necessary to learn to refuel and regroup as an individual (especially for those who have suffered from trauma, neglect, and abuse) through self care, I would argue that any self care program that neglects to list caring/doing for others is incomplete.
The fundamental flaw in the self-care industry’s philosophy of self-care is that a self-care stratagem that deprioritises the well-being of others and reifies our own, actually makes us fragile.
Knowing others are suffering impinges on our capacity to be happy, whether we notice it (ie-we have a warm heart and it upsets us) or not (ie- our heart has become cold/desensitised - a numb heart is not a happy one).
The advantage of a self-care regime that priorities self-and-other as equally worthy of care brings stability, connection, honesty and strength. Being generous brings joy. (We all know that from Christmas etc). Managing our speech and actions so that they cause less harm brings us peace and satisfaction. Being less judgemental of others loosens the grip of our own harsh self-critic.
When we subscribe to service of self-over-others, we are inadvertently subscribing to a fabrication. A narrative that isn’t grounded in who we actually are- how much we need and are needed by other humans.
In this way, such an ideology is fragile. As with every tower we build, there is a long way to fall.
When we subscribe to a service of others-and-self, we are grounded. We acknowledge our shared experiences- of suffering and joy and everything in between. And we reach out to help others. That brings a deep confidence and sense of connection.
When we are on the ground, there is nowhere to fall.
Thankyou, Scott, for raising this really important point. When you share the research that most people aren’t so interested in becoming more ethical, I think it could be simply because they haven’t joined the dots.
Becoming more ethical (ie- actively caring for others and the environment we inhabit) IS self-care. A significantly more nuanced, significantly more effective strategy for sustainable self-care.
Thanks again for all you do. I hope all the good that you are offering to others brings you joy. ☺️
I think this is an important framework when thinking about the silent epidemic of parental estrangements. So many adult children believe that the guiding principle is their happiness and mental health above all else. Considerations of the immiseration of the parent is considered secondary if considered at all. Much of this perspective is fueled by our highly individualistic culture typified by Ann Rand's comment: “Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.”
It's super interesting that people believe that moral trait development is in conflict with goal attainment; maybe it's related to a general societal belief that "nice guys finish last"?
Perhaps another challenge to might be that people lack the necessary self awareness to develop clear values or their own moral code to live by.
SBK, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on how to help people develop self awareness and motivate their interest in living in accordance with their values.
Disclaimer: I’m no expert. Very interesting post and a lot to dig into. I wonder how empathy fits in and/or maintenance of ( especially moral) traits. I always think of HH Dalai Lama regarding moral expression and compassion. Also thinking about learning vs practice.
I am currently working on fulfilling my need for financial security, making the boat stronger (to use Scotts the sailboat metaphor). I imagine that when this is stronger and secure, I would then focus MORE on moral motivations. I know some people would say “well focus on the moral and the money will come” but the truth is focusing purely on that isn’t as motivating currently. I loved this article and definitely feel in the tribe of creative self actualistion :)
This is so critically important-- the most important thing that we should be (but are not) focusing on. As a parent of a tween and a teen, watching the disaster with public schools is instructive-- there is no willingness to admit that there ARE values in an era of moral relativism. If everything "depends on what you think and who you are," then you can't increase our moral standing, nor can you properly form a sense of yourself (outside of thoughtful and structured parental and societal involvement). Witness professors who are seeing students for the first time suggest Nazi behaviors and proclivities are a "matter of opinion."
Scott, I know your views on this, and it's true that religion has its dangers and flaws, but when we threw out all of the Judeo-Christian foundations of our country in light of the way some were being misused, we lost our way morally. Even many avowed atheists recognize the importance of at least being culturally Judeo- Christian.
Last year, our family spent the year in France, kids at public schools. There are few places more anti-religious than France ever since their revolution which closely followed ours. And yet they teach the major precepts of the major world religions, which is to say art, culture, belief systems, etc-- whereas in our schools even saying the word Christmas has somehow become offensive.
Religions at their best place us in the context of the rest of the world and indeed a much broader reality. Throwing out the baby with the bathwater, as we've done over the past decades with our religious traditions in the western world and especially the US (also Japan and to some extent China and Korea), leaves us with only an empty tub. There's little there to build upon.
So I research courage and have a programme and a model which situates the self in relation to self, others, culture, society in each pillar of the programme.
I unapologetically centre courage as the value, virtue and philosophy from which we best live a fulfilling and meaningful life.
The model, the Be Braver mindset, is as much philosophy as it is applied psychology. A how you, not a how you.
Without courage, we aren’t able to show up to the moral and ethical moments that show our character. Without courage we don’t grow, learn, create, innovate.
When we decide we want to Be Braver, than the brave we’ve been to get this far, the model asks you to find self and other awareness across 8 pillars which give us the tools to travel life’s journey with clarity, connection, commitment and courage.
Whether we are religious, atheist or agnostic - understanding how to model and practice courage is the path to a better future for society, communities, businesses and individuals. I’m finding it hard to disprove it.
I agree with your points regarding moral development and well-being, but perhaps for some surveyed who didn’t answer it as their priority, It’s like having a physical wound; you can't focus on anything else until you get care, the pain so intense nothing else can penetrate your thoughts, your peripheral vision barely functioning, and unaware of the level of care you’re being given.
The afflictions of the Self are often adversely nurtured, an outside force we didn’t ask for. Wounds we didn’t know how to fix. We’re more immoral to ourselves than to the world. What % of humans have experienced truly 'adversely nurtured' things? (I dislike the overused word trauma so I think of phrases that feel more like my emotion). The journey of Self has 8 billion paths, with 8 billion guides, but you have to walk through your own pain to get there. Once you do, you probably want to share it with the world. The motivation behind the ‘self-help industry’ depends on the author’s desire for morality more than their reader’s.
People are often afraid of going into their depths; they stay on the surface, addressing the scratches instead of the wounds. People seek pain relief and many in the self-help industry are selling pills, but self-actualization is a longer recovery, a cure.
"Values are different than personality traits." I don't think this is true. I think values are emergent properties of personality traits. It is one reason why values cannot easily be passed on to different others. It is one reason why people from the same family can end up with radically different values. And it is not possible to understand the wherefrom or the whereabouts of a person's value system without a deep insight into their personality configuration.
Most importantly, this is why people don't prioritize improving their moral values. Because it's not different from saying they want to change their personality which we know to be difficult to impossible. People will succeed in altering their moral values more or less to the degree they're able to alter vital elements of their personality and functioning. If this fundamental alterations in certain personality elements doesn't happen, any change in values will only create deep dissonance and is not likely to be integrated or sustained.
Brilliant. To what degree does external market influence (the incessant barage of "self-help" framed marketing) impact this comparatice data? The way human flourishing has been disconnected from moral value in present culture is very interesting.
I suspect that the self-care industry is uninterested in moral considerations for the most part. I suffer from trauma and have always been driven by the need to be moral and to serve. My anxiety and depression, and shortcomings in self-care, have made me less effective in all aspects of my life, including serving others and the environment. I would like to know how many people thought they were very moral and wanted self-care to v-benefit all aspects of their life.
I agree with this column's premise. Many people do write tales that have some kind of moral at their base, though well-hidden in the story. I consider The Lord of the Rings and Zimmer-Bradley's work in that vein.
Lord of the Rings is unapologetically Christian (Catholic, in fact). We need to reclaim the roots of what has made Western Society what it is-- and continue to address the challenges.
Helping others and doing morally good acts is a form of self care because it makes us feel good inside. When self care is tied to this understanding, it may be more of a motivation for us to look outwards to feel good about ourselves.
The ‘industry’ that currently defines self care is mostly focussed on us putting ourselves first. That leads to an investment in self. (And commercial gain for the ‘self care’ consumer machine). While it is necessary to learn to refuel and regroup as an individual (especially for those who have suffered from trauma, neglect, and abuse) through self care, I would argue that any self care program that neglects to list caring/doing for others is incomplete.
Great post, Scott! Much to think about here.
The fundamental flaw in the self-care industry’s philosophy of self-care is that a self-care stratagem that deprioritises the well-being of others and reifies our own, actually makes us fragile.
Knowing others are suffering impinges on our capacity to be happy, whether we notice it (ie-we have a warm heart and it upsets us) or not (ie- our heart has become cold/desensitised - a numb heart is not a happy one).
The advantage of a self-care regime that priorities self-and-other as equally worthy of care brings stability, connection, honesty and strength. Being generous brings joy. (We all know that from Christmas etc). Managing our speech and actions so that they cause less harm brings us peace and satisfaction. Being less judgemental of others loosens the grip of our own harsh self-critic.
When we subscribe to service of self-over-others, we are inadvertently subscribing to a fabrication. A narrative that isn’t grounded in who we actually are- how much we need and are needed by other humans.
In this way, such an ideology is fragile. As with every tower we build, there is a long way to fall.
When we subscribe to a service of others-and-self, we are grounded. We acknowledge our shared experiences- of suffering and joy and everything in between. And we reach out to help others. That brings a deep confidence and sense of connection.
When we are on the ground, there is nowhere to fall.
Thankyou, Scott, for raising this really important point. When you share the research that most people aren’t so interested in becoming more ethical, I think it could be simply because they haven’t joined the dots.
Becoming more ethical (ie- actively caring for others and the environment we inhabit) IS self-care. A significantly more nuanced, significantly more effective strategy for sustainable self-care.
Thanks again for all you do. I hope all the good that you are offering to others brings you joy. ☺️
“Becoming more ethical (ie- actively caring for others and the environment we inhabit) IS self-care.“
Exactly!
I think this is an important framework when thinking about the silent epidemic of parental estrangements. So many adult children believe that the guiding principle is their happiness and mental health above all else. Considerations of the immiseration of the parent is considered secondary if considered at all. Much of this perspective is fueled by our highly individualistic culture typified by Ann Rand's comment: “Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.”
It's super interesting that people believe that moral trait development is in conflict with goal attainment; maybe it's related to a general societal belief that "nice guys finish last"?
Perhaps another challenge to might be that people lack the necessary self awareness to develop clear values or their own moral code to live by.
SBK, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on how to help people develop self awareness and motivate their interest in living in accordance with their values.
Disclaimer: I’m no expert. Very interesting post and a lot to dig into. I wonder how empathy fits in and/or maintenance of ( especially moral) traits. I always think of HH Dalai Lama regarding moral expression and compassion. Also thinking about learning vs practice.
I am currently working on fulfilling my need for financial security, making the boat stronger (to use Scotts the sailboat metaphor). I imagine that when this is stronger and secure, I would then focus MORE on moral motivations. I know some people would say “well focus on the moral and the money will come” but the truth is focusing purely on that isn’t as motivating currently. I loved this article and definitely feel in the tribe of creative self actualistion :)
For me, well-being is a process of moral development alongside and integrated with goal attainment.
Brilliant post - so much food for thought here.
This is so critically important-- the most important thing that we should be (but are not) focusing on. As a parent of a tween and a teen, watching the disaster with public schools is instructive-- there is no willingness to admit that there ARE values in an era of moral relativism. If everything "depends on what you think and who you are," then you can't increase our moral standing, nor can you properly form a sense of yourself (outside of thoughtful and structured parental and societal involvement). Witness professors who are seeing students for the first time suggest Nazi behaviors and proclivities are a "matter of opinion."
Scott, I know your views on this, and it's true that religion has its dangers and flaws, but when we threw out all of the Judeo-Christian foundations of our country in light of the way some were being misused, we lost our way morally. Even many avowed atheists recognize the importance of at least being culturally Judeo- Christian.
Last year, our family spent the year in France, kids at public schools. There are few places more anti-religious than France ever since their revolution which closely followed ours. And yet they teach the major precepts of the major world religions, which is to say art, culture, belief systems, etc-- whereas in our schools even saying the word Christmas has somehow become offensive.
Religions at their best place us in the context of the rest of the world and indeed a much broader reality. Throwing out the baby with the bathwater, as we've done over the past decades with our religious traditions in the western world and especially the US (also Japan and to some extent China and Korea), leaves us with only an empty tub. There's little there to build upon.
So I research courage and have a programme and a model which situates the self in relation to self, others, culture, society in each pillar of the programme.
I unapologetically centre courage as the value, virtue and philosophy from which we best live a fulfilling and meaningful life.
The model, the Be Braver mindset, is as much philosophy as it is applied psychology. A how you, not a how you.
Without courage, we aren’t able to show up to the moral and ethical moments that show our character. Without courage we don’t grow, learn, create, innovate.
When we decide we want to Be Braver, than the brave we’ve been to get this far, the model asks you to find self and other awareness across 8 pillars which give us the tools to travel life’s journey with clarity, connection, commitment and courage.
Whether we are religious, atheist or agnostic - understanding how to model and practice courage is the path to a better future for society, communities, businesses and individuals. I’m finding it hard to disprove it.
I agree with your points regarding moral development and well-being, but perhaps for some surveyed who didn’t answer it as their priority, It’s like having a physical wound; you can't focus on anything else until you get care, the pain so intense nothing else can penetrate your thoughts, your peripheral vision barely functioning, and unaware of the level of care you’re being given.
The afflictions of the Self are often adversely nurtured, an outside force we didn’t ask for. Wounds we didn’t know how to fix. We’re more immoral to ourselves than to the world. What % of humans have experienced truly 'adversely nurtured' things? (I dislike the overused word trauma so I think of phrases that feel more like my emotion). The journey of Self has 8 billion paths, with 8 billion guides, but you have to walk through your own pain to get there. Once you do, you probably want to share it with the world. The motivation behind the ‘self-help industry’ depends on the author’s desire for morality more than their reader’s.
People are often afraid of going into their depths; they stay on the surface, addressing the scratches instead of the wounds. People seek pain relief and many in the self-help industry are selling pills, but self-actualization is a longer recovery, a cure.
"Values are different than personality traits." I don't think this is true. I think values are emergent properties of personality traits. It is one reason why values cannot easily be passed on to different others. It is one reason why people from the same family can end up with radically different values. And it is not possible to understand the wherefrom or the whereabouts of a person's value system without a deep insight into their personality configuration.
Most importantly, this is why people don't prioritize improving their moral values. Because it's not different from saying they want to change their personality which we know to be difficult to impossible. People will succeed in altering their moral values more or less to the degree they're able to alter vital elements of their personality and functioning. If this fundamental alterations in certain personality elements doesn't happen, any change in values will only create deep dissonance and is not likely to be integrated or sustained.
This….👏🏼🙌🏽
Brilliant. To what degree does external market influence (the incessant barage of "self-help" framed marketing) impact this comparatice data? The way human flourishing has been disconnected from moral value in present culture is very interesting.
I suspect that the self-care industry is uninterested in moral considerations for the most part. I suffer from trauma and have always been driven by the need to be moral and to serve. My anxiety and depression, and shortcomings in self-care, have made me less effective in all aspects of my life, including serving others and the environment. I would like to know how many people thought they were very moral and wanted self-care to v-benefit all aspects of their life.
I agree with this column's premise. Many people do write tales that have some kind of moral at their base, though well-hidden in the story. I consider The Lord of the Rings and Zimmer-Bradley's work in that vein.
Lord of the Rings is unapologetically Christian (Catholic, in fact). We need to reclaim the roots of what has made Western Society what it is-- and continue to address the challenges.